In times of feeling inadequacy, I’ve distanced myself from God and church community, because I haven’t felt like I was enough. As adults, we’re supposed to be cleaning up messes, not making them. We’re into 401(k)s saving for retirement, planning when to have a baby, eating a balanced meal, have an organized calendar, tithe regularly, and having it all together. I try to pull myself together, and present myself clean, and tidy as if He doesn’t already know the sweat and tears. I find myself wandering in the desert on my own accord with a pressure to have my relationship with God all figured out and have divine discernment for all the highs and lows of my life I experience. This sensation became top of mind when listening to “How to be Yours” by Chris Renzema.
You say that you love me
Don’t say that you love me
‘Cause I don’t know how to be yours
You say that you want me
Don’t say that you want me
‘Cause I don’t know how to be yours
I still act like an orphan I guess
And my hard heart breaks to confess
That even while you hold me
As I cry on the floor
I still don’t know how to be yours
I feel like I’m supposed to just know by now that God loves me unconditionally. It’s not like I’ve not listened to my friends, mentors, and pastors tell me my whole life. I’ve seen love work in my life in a way that is very much conditional. As long as you do what everyone wants you to do and don’t mess up, then you will be loved by your friends and family. I thought if I went through all the motions of being a “good Christian” then he would love me and feel like a son to Him. I don’t want him to say that he loves me and wants me, because I don’t think I deserve it; I try my hardest to gain his approval and beat the crap out of myself when I don’t measure up. I have a hard time accepting the grace He freely gives. I feel like I don’t know how to belong to him; however, He’s there. He is waiting all this time. The song continues with,
So love me or hate me
I’m not going anywhere
Leave me or take me
You still bare my signature
Know me or not
Seen or forgot
I’m not walking out on you
The theological term, Imago Dei, means the “image of God” and uniquely applied to humans out of all creation. The term has its roots in Genesis 1:27, wherein “God created man in his own image. . .” This scriptural passage does not mean that God is in human form, but rather, it provides a foundation for the symbolical relation between God and humanity, that humans are in the image of and bare His signature. There is nothing we can do to change that. What is true in the light is also true in the dark about unconditional love.
It is hard to recognize that it is God is the one pursuing us, at times it feels like being locked in a room looking for the breadcrumb trail of clues to find where He is. It is not whether we’ve pursued hard enough, searched long enough, or been a “good Christian” to earn God’s love, but to receive it.
The question is, “Do we want to be found?”
Listen to the full song
Max Murphy 